Hello from the other side.
This is a long-awaited moment. I’ve been in a funk. A cloud. A dry-spell where my creativity has totally left me. I scared it away. For real. I haven’t touched my camera in about two months. I haven’t danced in about that long and writing is just starting to come back. I’ve been reading a book called Big Magic and it’s saving my life. Saving my artist child. I really did scare her away because I’ve been putting so much pressure on my need to create. I’ve been frustrated, yelling at her; “why aren’t you inspired? Come up with something to work on. You’re not hustling enough. You’re not hustling at all. I have to deal with this exhausting surviver job while you hide in the corner. Nothing is happening. It’s not even worth it.”
This desperate attitude is not helpful.
Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love has been shedding light in that corner and revealing how backwards I’ve had it. My artist child is not here to provide and protect me but I am here to provide and protect my artist child. I need to assure her that there is safety to create and surplus resources for imagination. I needed to take the pressure off. My photography provided for me for so long but it won’t always. It may not be realistic for it to and that’s ok. I have to come up with a living that will allow the both of us to flourish. I need to come up with a way so that adult Autumn can pay her bills, pay the rent, buy food and clothes as well as provide artist child Autumn with resources for her creative life; a dance cover ticket, a writing date at a new coffeeshop, polaroid film, a ticket for a weekend trip, printing postcards with her photography and wine and appetizers for hosting a bookclub.
I don’t know what that looks like longer term. For now, it is a newly promoted night manager at my coffeeshop. Within a year, it might be something different. But finally the distinction has been made and direction has been given on how I can once again live a rich, balanced and creative life.