I’m totally worn out and until a few days ago, completely unhappy. For the good things in my life I have fabricated thankfulness for even though I thought I deserved better. I must deserve better — by now! I’ve put in my time working shitty jobs. I’ve been disciplined. I’ve sacrificed. Why isn’t my life perfect yet? Why don’t I have a good/cool job that utilizes more of my strengths and talents? Why don’t I have a boyfriend yet? Why can’t I afford a trip to Paris, the new purse that I need or even a full bag of groceries. I’m 27. Don’t “normal” 27-year-olds have access to these things?
I didn’t say these things out loud but my life and attitude was shouting them. With every book I read, video I watched, Instagram post I ‘liked’ and blog I followed, I realized how desperate I was to be someone else. I even find myself feeling like I wished to have friends who are more well connected, who went dancing, who were just different. It’s amazing I still have some friends left! Lately, with my downtime at work I’d been looking up photographers who’s missions are similar to mine so that I could model my website and IG page after them. I went to stand-up comedy shows and sat there wishing I was onstage – as them. With every seemingly successful individual, I was green with envy, was so jealous and researched endlessly, “how can I be them?”
Wow. How pathetic is that?
After an honest talk from my sister a few days ago, she told me some things that I didn’t want to hear; how selfish and bitter I was towards my life. I hated hearing the reality of my situation because I knew it was true.
I wanted to change and I thought, what would make me happy and thankful again? I think I need to start being content with what I have. For every. little. thing. It’s easy to be content when life feels perfect and you feel like there are no barriers and you can do all the things you think living a full life should be. Or even when you start comparing your life to a time in the past when things seemed, maybe not perfect but at least better then they are now.
Sometimes I wonder, why do I live in New York when I have so much college debt? Shouldn’t I live somewhere else where I could have a better quality of life where things aren’t so expensive? I should come back here when I have money to actually enjoy the city. It’s so unfair. In order to find contentment, I want to believe that were I am is nothing short of a blessing and think, “you know what? I do have debt and the city is expensive, isn’t it a miracle that I’ve been able to live here for almost 2 full years?!
Wow, thank you God!
It’s no mistake that we live where we live. It’s always for our personal growth to go through challenging times. This past year has been challenging but life will always be. Moving forward, I want to be quick to give thanks, quicker to be grateful for everything. I want to give even when it feels like I have nothing and not be so anxious to take.
Last year I made a goal list of things that I wanted to accomplish and aside from a full reading list, I accomplished non of my lofty and ambitious goals. That’s not to say one shouldn’t make goal lists, I love lists! But perhaps I should have also been more open to what was in store for me. Maybe I wouldn’t have pushed against it so much and made myself so miserable. I accomplished things and good things happened but it was not what I planned at all. So instead of making a goal list for this year, I simply want to have goals of being grateful, content and to embrace the simple pleasures of life like reading, enjoying the time with friends with no expectations, writing, taking pictures, taking walks, listing to music and just eating the damn cupcake!